Later...
Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum."
Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"
Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan
Pari: Sister, halika dito sa silid.
Sister: Diyos ko.
Pari: Isara mo ang pinto, patayin mo ang ilaw!
Sister: Diyos ko.
Pari: Tabi ka sa akin.
Sister: Oh God!
Pari: Tingnan mo itong relo ko Glow in the Dark!
Kamote at Sawa
Usapang lasing sa isang kanto.
BLANTE: "Alam mo pare, nag-enjoy talaga ako doon sa bukid ng lolo ko! Minsa'y naghukay kami ng kamote, biruin mo, nakahukay kami ng kamoteng kasinglaki ng simbahan ng Mariveles?!"
TORANG: "Sisiw yan pare, sa sawang dumaan sa likod-bahay namin! Noong kasalukuyang dumadaan yung ulo nung sawa, nag-aalmusal kami. Noong dumaan yong buntot, naghahapunan na kami!"
BLANTE: "Ang yabang mo naman, pare, may sawa ba namang ganon kahaba? Niloloko mo naman ako eh."
TORANG: "O sige, pareng Anton, para magkasundo tayo, liitan mo yung kamote mo at iiksian ko naman yung sawa ko.
Magka-away pa rin
Palibhasa'y kapwa matalino, mahigpit na mag-kaaway and dalawang dating mag-classmates sa high school. After 35 years, nagkita uli sila sa elevator ng hotel after attending their conventions. One is now a navy captain wearing his
all-white uniform complete with nameplate and white officer's cap. Ang isa naman ay isang Obispo na, attending a Bishop Conference, dressed in his complete church regalia with bishop hat, robes,and tungkod with his name inscribed. Pretending not to recognize each other, ganito ang usapan nila:
BISHOP: Mr. Bellboy, pakitawag nga ako ng taksi.
NAVY CAPTAIN: Aba Misis, sa inyong kalagayan ay hindi na kayo dapat nagta-travel.
True Confession
Kriminal: Father, forgive me for I have sinned
Pari: Sabihin mo lahat ang kasalanan mo anak.
Kriminal: Father, pinapatay ko ang lahat ng naniniwala sa diyos. Kayo po ba Father naniniwala doon?
Pari: Sino 'yun?
Rich and Poor
Differences between Mayaman at Mahirap sa Pilipinas:
Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"; kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis" o "bakokang".
Sa mahirap, "sira ang ulo"; sa mayaman, "nervous breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress".
Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay" ang tawag ay "kleptomaniac"; sa mahirap, ang tawag dito ay "magnanakaw".
Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"; kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo".
Kung mahirap ka at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"; kung mayaman ka naman at sumakit ang ulo mo, ikaw ay may "migraine".
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba", pero kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as someone who is "scoliotic".
Kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga", pero ang senorita mo kahit kasingkulay mo, ang tawag ay "morena" o "kayumanggi".
Kung nasa high society ka, you are approvingly called "slender" or "balingkinitan"; kung mahirap ka lang, you are plainly called "payatot" o "patpatin" o "ting-ting".
Kung nasa high society ka pa rin at ikaw ay maliit, ang tawag sa iyo ay "petite"; kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay "pandak" o "bansot" o "unano" o "ungga"
Kung mahirap ka at date ka rito, date ka doon, ang tawag sa iyo ay "nagwawala"; kung well-off kayo, ikaw ay "game".
"Malandi" ka kung isa kang dukhang alembong; pero kung mayaman kayo, ang tawag sa iyo ay "liberated".
Ang mahirap na tumatanda ay "gumugurang"; sa mayamang tumatanda, the description is "he or she graduates gracefully into senior citizenhood".
Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner'; ang equivalent na anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gung-gong".
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain, you flatter your host who says "masarap kang kumain, and I like you, you do justice to my cooking"; kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same amount in the same house, your host will say to himself or herself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" o "hampaslupa" masiba"!
Pilot to tower: Wala na kaming fuel, 400 miles kami from shore. Give your instructions, over!
Tower: Repeat after me. Our Father, who art in heaven...
Intsik patay punta heaven, asks St. Peter: "Ano dyan sa kabila?"
St. Peter: "Wala, impyerno. Super init!!"
Intsik: "Lipat ako dun."
St. Peter: "Ha? Bakit?!"
Intsik: "Ako benta ice water.
Q & A
Q: Ano sa Filipino ang 'chair'?
A: Salumpuwit
Q: E ang 'wheelchair'?
A: Salumpo
Q: E ang 'arthritis'?
A: Salompas
Q: What about 'vinegar'?
A: E di salumpia
Q. Bakit ang oyster ayaw ibigay and kanyang perlas?
A: Dahil ang oyster ay shellfish
Q: Anong hayop ang gumagamit ng bra?
A: Eh di Cobra!
Q: Anong hayop ang gumagamit ng panti?
A: Eh di Elepanti!
Q: Anong hayop ang gumagamit ng brief?
A: Eh di Bird!
Q: Anong tawag sa sakit ng baboy?
A: Pig-sa
Q: Eh ano ang gamot sa pigsa?
A: Eh di oink-ment!
Cannibals
from Emong Magbanua
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth
berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
Iskul Bukol
from Carlo R.
How do you know students by smell?
DLSU: Polo
ADMU: Hugo Boss
San Beda: Banana Republic
UP: Penshoppe
UE: Bench
Adamson: Axe
PUP: Downy
AMA: Lysol
Favorite looney tune character of colleges:
DLSU: taz
ADMU: bugs bunny
UP: sylvester
UST: tweety
FEU: porky pig
AMA: Marvin... and Jolina
Iba't-ibang reaksyon ng mga estudyante ng makakita prostitute:
UP: bayaran!
DLSU: flirt!
ADMU: loose!
San Beda: how much?
AMA: hi classmate
FEU: hi suki!
School's reaction when flooded:
La Salle: Oh my God its baha!
Ateneo: #### its flooded again!
UST: Tangina, baha na naman!
UP: Puta pare baha!
AMA: Tara ligo tayo!
Reaction upon the loss of a wallet:
DLSU: Lost my credit cards!
ATENEO: Lost 10 grand!
UST: Lost my Cartier wallet!
UP: Lost my driver's license, too!
AMA: Ay! Nasama yung picture ni Jolina!
Favorite chicken ng mga universities:
DLSU: Kenny Rogers
ADMU: Mary's
UST: KFC
UP: Andok's
AMA: Maggi chicken cubes!
Bracelet ng mga estudyante:
La Salle: Philip Cartier
Benilde: Tennis bracelet
CRC: Tiffany
UST: Silver works
UE: friendship bracelet
AMA: rubber band
FEU: tattoo
MAHIRAP LAHAT
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.
HEAVEN'S POLICY
from Tonette Austria
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I don't understand, he complained to Saint Peter. I devoted my entire life to my congregation.
Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?
Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.
Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they prayed nonstop.
SWIMMING POOL
from Bebe
Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello?', says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy', says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone'?
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank'.
After a brief pause, Bob says, 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!'
'Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do ... put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house'.
'Okay, Daddy'.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy!' '
And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead'.
'Oh, my God .... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead, too'.
There is a long pause, then Bob says ........... 'Swimming pool?
Is this 854-7039?!!!
ANO ANG SABI NI
EXCLAMATION POINT
KAY QUESTION MARK...
Bakit ba lagi ka na lang nagtatanong?
Bakit masama ba?
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